I hated my chambering students. Some of them, not all, of course. Most of them were dumbs, like really empty headed. I, on the other side, were not a friendly tutor. It took a whole loads of hated relationships with them students that I learnt how to control my tantrum.
One of them even called me "fake".
I was not sure which part of me was fake when I was with them.
I used to believe that I was the truest person ever. Very outspoken. My principle was to say the truth even if it hurts. Otherwise, how would people learn to be better? Of course, that principle was on the basis that I thought I was right. I was always right, never on the wrong side. Now, I would rather agree with people just to avoid any conversation.
Sometimes when I worked till late night, came home exhausted then repeat the same cycle for the next morning, I, too, thought that my life was fake. I was fake. Like, I faked my works so I could be seen as the busiest person alive - so I could avoid being real or commit to the real life.
These days seem like I am fake. Genuinely a FAKE PERSON. The truth is, this lockdown is making me a bit crazy inside the head. I feel irritated and annoyed with everything and everyone for the whole time. AND I'm irritated that I'm irritated!! Blergh. That's when the thought that I am fake came.
I'm not sure why it is hard for me to control my anger when I'm with kids, unlike when I'm with adults. I mean, when adults make mistakes, I usually ignore them AND try to calm myself before I become a tornado like how I used to be with my chambering students. I'm no longer that person (!!). Of course, other than thinking than I am fake, it comes with the feeling of "losers" and "failures". (you know, depression really leaves some trails of it. sometimes it comes haunting you).
Maybe I should treat kids like adults. I don't know. Kids shouldn't be allowed to have lots of choices like adults, mainly because kids couldn't differentiate goods and bad yet. To treat kids like adults would also mean that I should give kids choices, which of course I don't want to give them that because they would always choose to play other than learning! Ghhh..
During days like these, I'm so tempted to get in touch with my so-called soulmate. The one I used to share my intimate thoughts, the one who wouldn't judge me for having these thoughts, the one who would've straighten my thoughts. But I know I shouldn't reach out just because "I feel like a fake person". That thought alone doesn't warrant for one to be in touch with a losing friend. On that note, I feel tight in my chest. That feeling you have when you're using a foetus position during night time. Feelings only loners like me would understand.
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