بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Dengan menyebut nama Allah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang
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Currently there are a lot of random thoughts running inside my head.
1) aku nak rant dan aku nak tulis apa yang aku nak tulis. But I'm limited with words that along the whole write-up I'll forget what I wanted to write; with anxiety that people will read this blog and judge me; with self-hate that when I re-read my posts I'll definitely going to regret whatever I wrote and perhaps I'll delete them. Especially when I wrote in English. Like, apa benda kau acah-acah nak speaking. Tapi tu lah. kadang-kadang bila nak rant ni kena cakap bahasa lain baru macam sampai maksud. kalau cakap BM jadi macam kompius.
I've been deleting and disposing a lot of things in my life - things that once mattered to me. Sampaikan to the extend I've been saying this mantra : that I try to be a minimalist, to live with things that presently matters, and I try not to keep loads of things supaya senang besok time mati ke ada bencana alam ke takdelah ter expose benda-benda fake pasal diri sendiri.
Little that I know, that when I dispose all the stuff, I was actually removing parts of myself too. I barely recognize myself nowadays walaupun I don't mind being what I am today. Not that I'm proud of myself tapi entahlah bersyukur seadanya kot.
2) I've been trying to write a post about this tapi malas. Tunggulah nanti aku buat list then boleh la buat post baru. Anyway end of last year, I learnt (through tiktok) that I might have ADHD. lol. Tapi since I'm an adult which dah adapt with a few routines so tak obvious sangat. Ada perkara-perkara yang aku sendiri tak faham tentang diri sendiri, tapi bila tahu they are traits of ADHD barulah rasa macam justified kenapa aku ni pelik. Nanti bila rajin, aku buat list. But I used to think that I might have Bipolar ke apa because of my mood swings.
3) I forgot what I wanted to write in the first place.
4) ok now I remember. People with ADHD tend to have low self-esteem, always doubting & hating ownself etc, biasanya lebih senang to fall into depression. I have loads of self-hate speeches inside my head. AND RECENTLY I REALIZED SOMETIMES THOSE SELF-HATE SPEECHES ARE NECESSARY. For me, sebabnya I (think) I fall close to a narcissist jugak so without those self-hate tu, confirm aku akan berlagak tak tentu pasal sampai lupa diri. It's not easy tau bila kau berlagak CONTOHNYA TULIS BLOG NI macam tak sedar diri cakap itu ini, masatu perasaan di atas, then bila jadi sesuatu then perasaan tu terhempas jatuh ke bawah, fuh perasaan tu susah nak stabilize kan balik. for me (or maybe for ADHD people) perasaan ni takde tengah-tengah. samada di atas atau di bawah. bila kat bawah tu 90% jaminan takkan naik ke atas. thats why pentingnya ada self-loathe tu supaya diri sendiri kena segera berada di tengah (balanced).
5) that is why I choose to numb myself. Kalau ada rasa nak happy sangat, I'll do self-loathe. Kalau ada rasa nak nangis, tengok cerita sedih then nangislah. I lost a lot of myself doing this but I like myself better this way. I learn to control my emotions this way walaupun nampak toksik. InsyaAllah my self-love is also sufficient.
6) that brings me to this point. I think my self-love is sufficient sampaikan I dont think I need somebody else to fill the void. Ya Allah entahlah is this self-love? ke self-harming lol. My love language is actually "Quality Time" (I just learnt about this recently, I thought mine is giving gifts) so actually I need to spend times with people to feel loved and to give love. Few months back, I started distancing myself even with my closest friends, sampaikan member pun hantar wasap tanya ok ke sebab dah lama tak dengar khabar. 1 thing for sure kenapa aku distant myself is sebab aku tak larat nak share vibes orang lain.
7) and that brings me to this point pulak. Aku takde energy dah nak bertukar-tukar vibe. susah nak explain tapi contohnya kau tengah happy or tengah marah then nak cerita dgn aku, probably I'll listen je tapi tak boleh nak bagi the feedback needed. I hate myself during that time/process sebab aku rasa aku selfish tapi at the same time aku tak boleh untuk tak jadi selfish. So I just turn off my connection with people je, senang.
8) I'm not sure if this is ADHD traits ke maybe partially it is. tapi of all communication modes, I prefer exchanging texts via socmed. haha. supaya I dont feel obligated to reply. 2nd would be whatsapp/messages but sorry to inform that I am a dry-texter. 3rd would be phone calls supaya masa call tu aku blh buat benda lain - drive ke, mengemas ke, menaip ke. Setakat ni tak pernah lagi time call tu memang fokus call je mesti ada je benda I'll be doing, sebab aku tak boleh nak fokus 1 benda je ESPECIALLY bila call tu apa yg orang cakap - perkara tu akan terawang-awang di udara. Taktahulah benda ni make sense ke tak. Lastly would be face to face - ya Allah bila dah tua ni I dread meeting people sebab I have to behave and to focus all the time! Penat dia Allah je yang tahu.
9) Tak tahu kenapa aku tulis blog ni macam tulis diari secara public. Tak memasal jadi over-sharing with whomever yang baca blog ni. Tapi itulah, refer kepada tajuk. Penatlah nak delete post ni bila baca semula besok.
10) My previous posts (especially di blog satu lagi) kebanyakannya pasal my past relationships. I've moved on for good, insyaAllah. Tapi perasaan tu akan kekal ada - rasa sedih, benci, terkilan, nostalgia. Tiba-tiba terjumpa lagu ni pula.
Semoga semuanya baik-baik saja. Semoga diberi semangat untuk menghabiskan cerita pendek aku.
