بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Dengan menyebut nama Allah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang
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Lama betul tak menulis di sini. As usual I'll dump every random thought in one post lol.
1) reason why
lama tak menulis macam dulu sebab aku jenis bila ingat time tu juga kena menulis, lepas tu tak ingat dah. siapa geng macam ni? I mean biasanya the thought came during driving to work - bila sampai ofis sibuk dengan kerja so tak teringat dah apa yang difikirkan.
I think stuck in traffic jam, commuting hours back & forth to office and home (selain dari buang masa) sebenarnya buatkan aku jadi less motivated to do a lot of things. Penat satu hal. Kemudian lebih kepada pikir aja tapi tak jadi apa. Sembang kosong atau lebih kasar, banyak berangan dalam kereta. Turun je kereta, back to reality & routine - buat benda yg sama sampai bosan.
Heran juga bila tengok balik post awal-awal blog ni (when I decided to blog again) sempat pula aku tulis blog panjang-panjang. I think masa kat ofis lama I had the privilege of not sharing space with others, so tak rasa terganggu sangat masa mengolah ayat (I'm someone who's easily distracted and easily overwhelmed so kalau orang ramai, bising, lalu lalang confirm tak jadi kerja apa).
I think it's high time to start writing again. To get things out of my chest, to lessen the anxiety, to slow down the sounds in my ears (I was sleeping and heard irritating noises. I woke up and saw no one, except myself - and when I became conscious of the noises, they became quiet. Scary isnt it).
2) kita baik - jadi kita mudah terasa bila orang tak resiprokasi
last month was a trial month for me. I was so burnt out - tired of repeating the same thing. Tried travelling with friends, ended up with sad news within family (some of us were infected by Covid-19, the ultimate was Atuk losing his battle against Covid and left us all for good). I dont blame anyone but I feel like it's the same cycle, and it's like life hasnt been fair to me. I was going through something bad and there will always be some other events that major than mine, that I had to ignore my pain and to focus on others.
My thought was - can the life be kinder to me at least when I do kind to others? Lame thought, I know. Like I'm the kind one (jokes on me) - it didnt occur to me that time that I was the bad one. I was the one being selfish. Life was giving me signals and the silver linings of all things happened in my life, yet I chose to be obnoxious.
Kenapa cakap English ni? Entah sebab rasa senang nak spill bila cakap bahasa lain. Dan kenapa cakap berlapik ni? Supaya takde orang yang baca dan terasa - tapiiii confirm lah bila aku baca semula dan aku akan tertanya-tanya apa yang jadi.
Anyway - masa aku tengah down teruk tu dan waktu tu aku ke hospital. Takde parking, kena halau parking. Kakngah buat hal. Kereta kena saman sebab terlupa bayar parking. Masa tu hancur teruk bhai, memang aku nangis. Kat hospital tu jugak aku nangis. Waktu tu lah aku terpikir, tak boleh ke dunia ni buat baik sikit dengan aku? Padahal waktu tu aku jadi selfish kot. Takkanlah semata-mata aku bawak pesakit, orang lain nak kena accommodate aku? Kenapa perasan entitled sangat tu?
Kalau korang baca ni dan rasa kenapa perasaan aku bercampur aduk, itu la yang aku rasa. Aku rasa down, sedih, rasa perlukan bantuan orang. Dalam masa yang sama aku kena justify yang perasaan aku tu even legit dan valid, tapi aku over - aku tak perlu rasa entitled sangat, tak perlu nak marah pada orang lain dan aku tak boleh selfish sangat. Aku yang pilih nak jaga orang, jadi aku kena habiskan tugas tu sampai ke habis.
If you have different thought than mine, please feel free to let me know.
3) kita terasa sebab kita kisah / sayang
betul ke orang baik je yang mudah terasa? Habis tu, mereka yang tak mudah terasa tu kita panggil mereka jahat ke? Ada flaws dalam ideologi ni.
Kemudian, betul ke kita mudah terasa bila kita kisah / sayang pada orang? Kalau orang tu kita tak kisah, kita tak terasa pun apa yang dia buat pada kita. Ye ke?
4) stop trying to take care of everyone
I know I have attachment issues and boundaries issues. So I always try to take care of other people to justify my issues, also to justify the guilts of whatever I'm feeling.
Bila ada orang pesan, "stop ambil tahu semua perkara, dan stop respon kepada semua perkara. Kau boleh gila kalau semua benda kau nak ambil tahu", it makes sense. Aku rasa aku berjaya buat benda ni, which jiwa aku jadi lali untuk sesuatu perkara tu sekadar lalu saja.
Tapi bukan mudah nak buang perkara yang dah jadi darah daging aku.
I have serious problems with "attachment issues", also my love language is "quality time" so bila some people ignore my requests, my texts, my petty issues = all I see is people putting up walls against me, and I should never trust these people again.
5) goals & resetting life
Since the burnt-out phase, aku try nak reset balik my life. Seriously macam mana people my age aged graciously? with assets and savings and perfect life. meanwhile aku macam bot nak karam. all the things I wrote above pun macam petty je people with good life, balanced life, rich people wont even have to deal benda petty macam budak tingkatan 3 ni kan?
anyway, I plan to re-write goals - ukhrawi & dunyawi. gituhhh. insyaAllah soon.
till next time my eyes burn writing this post. love yourself, tim. xoxo
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